I sat on one of our slightly uncomfortable kitchen chairs hunched over the table where my study Bible lay open. Pen in hand and notebook open, I heard a faint thump and looked up at the baby monitor in front of me on the table. The screen showed our youngest, Winston, waving his arms and kicking his legs, his pacifier lying in the crib next to him.
I let out an exasperated sigh and stood. On my way back to his room, several thoughts ran through my mind: “Doesn’t he know I’m trying to read?” “It’s nearly impossible to do this later in the day and here he is, intruding on my time!” “During the one time of day I have to myself, he can’t help but interrupt!”
To my shame, this is not an uncommon scene. During the last couple of weeks, though, the Lord has been working in my heart, reminding me of several truths from His word. The two primary things of which He’s reminded me are: first, the severity with which I need to fight my self-centered flesh, and second, my responsibility as a father.
Fighting the Flesh
My flesh, the sinful man I was prior to rebirth in Christ, constantly rears his ugly head. The more I strive to obey the Scriptures, the more I realize how many bad habits I’ve developed that now have to be repented of and replaced with Scriptural disciplines. The following is a quick breakdown of the things I’ve noticed recently, although I assure you there are many more:
Striving for Ease
First, when I’m not being careful about my mindset, I begin to expect or work toward times of ease. My expectation becomes that, once I’ve finished the tasks I have in mind, I’ll be able to just sit and read, watch a YouTube video, complete a project, or generally just do what I want. This leads to frustration when that is not the case, which is often. There are usually other tasks that reveal themselves once the first list of tasks is complete. Not only that, but no matter how “productively” I’m using that leisure time, there are often ways that I could be using the time more effectively to ensure a smoothly running and biblical household.
Leisure and rest have their place but this desire for ease is not a healthy desire for God-given rest; it is a desire for physical comfort and relaxation at the wrong time. Rest and leisure come once the house is in order, once the kids are to bed, once things are in such a place as to give the best possible start to tomorrow. I don’t get to sit there on my phone while the boys need to be put to bed, the kitchen needs to be cleaned, and the house is in a general state of chaos from the labors of the day. Only once those things are complete and my responsibilities fulfilled can I truly sit back and rest in the work completed.
Assuming “It’ll Get Done”
Second, when I’m allowing laziness to creep into my actions, I look around and see what needs to be done and assume that someone else will do it. I don’t need to do it; I’m tired or had a long day at work or just want to rest for a second. Besides, I’m rarely the only competent adult in the situation, whatever that situation is. Why doesn’t somebody else do it?
This attitude does not represent Christ well to my wife or my children. When the disciple’s feet needed washing, Christ put on a towel and took up the task at hand. True authority, biblically exercised, is used for the benefit of those subject to it. If there are toys all over the floor after we get our boys down for bed, it is ultimately my responsibility to put them away. That’s not to say I must always do everything that needs doing; if I’m cleaning the kitchen, it’s not a problem to ask my wife to clean up the toys on the floor. It’s also not a shirking of that responsibility to have Oliver clean up (if anything, that is the ideal option). But it is to say that, ultimately, I need to ensure the toys are put away and the kitchen is clean, regardless of whose hands actually pick up blocks and wash dishes.
Blaming
The third area in which I need to ruthlessly fight my flesh is in blaming others. When something doesn’t go as I’d hoped or planned it would, if I’m not being careful, I’ll start to blame someone else for things going awry. Often, I don’t even voice the thought but it comes through in little huffs or passive-aggressive comments or by my withdrawing from the conversation. This, of course, is not the response appropriate for a disciple of Christ.
The proper response is to embrace my responsibility and recognize that, while my actions may not have directly led to whatever it was that happened, I’ve been made responsible for the household. I am responsible to see that we get places on time, that the house is cleaned, that the bills are paid, etc. I’ve noticed that my efforts to properly embrace this responsibility, when successful, have had two positive effects almost immediately: one, I’m a lot more diligent to make sure things get done, and two, I’m less likely to be apathetic and disengage from decisions that need to be made. I believe this is because taking responsibility means I have to take ownership of the results; I have skin in the game when I’m the responsible party.
My Responsibility as a Father
The threads that run through those three struggles are rejection, evasion, and denial of responsibility. If I’m striving for ease, I’m rejecting my responsibility in favor of my own desires, placing them above the needs and desires of my family. If I’m assuming someone else will take care of the things that need to be done, I’m evading my responsibility for the situation and expecting someone else to step up. If I’m blaming someone else for the current situation, I’m denying my responsibility and shifting it to someone else, someone to whom it does not belong. None of these things imitate Christ the way in which I’m commanded (see Ephesians 5:25-30)
My responsibility as a father demands I care for my family and manage my household well. To go back to the story presented above, part of that care is ensuring everyone gets the rest they need. At the root of my exasperation when Winston or Oliver “interrupts” my time in the morning is the entitlement I feel to the times of day I get to pursue my own interests. My natural, fleshly tendency is to want to be left alone until I decide I need someone else’s input or help.
The reality is, of course, that being a father is demanding and children are not naturally obedient nor do their needs generally come at convenient times. Young children require a lot of care and attention (obvious, I know) and it is my and Jen’s responsibility to give it to them. I like to do things efficiently and children are more antagonistic to that goal than I previously thought humanly possible. However, I should not fight my responsibility to work toward a Scriptural, well-ordered home; I should embrace it. God has designed child-rearing to be as much for the parents’ benefit as the children’s, and He has designed the family with the father and husband at the head as the responsible party. If I want to be a faithful disciple of Christ, I cannot abdicate, deny, evade, or reject that responsibility.
It is ultimately my responsibility to ensure our home is operating according to Scripture, that everyone has their needs met (physically and spiritually), and that we are fulfilling the calling of God for our family. This is a high and demanding calling and it’s terrifying for me to consider all of the aspects of fulfilling it. Nevertheless, the calling is one for which God is more than able to equip those who turn to Him daily for grace. On a practical level, there’s no problem with outsourcing some of the labor required for these tasks. However, when someone else is performing a task toward the above goals, I’m still responsible to see that it is completed and completed to the standard of Scripture.
Of course, all of this should be done out of a deep love for my wife and children. As difficult as this season with young children is, the joys are unique and wonderful. It is helpful to me to remember the big picture. Yes, having young children is a lot of work, but if we raise them in the way God prescribes in Scripture, we will get the delight, Lord willing, of a life-long relationship with them.
Sola Gratia
Hopefully, these reminders are as helpful to you as they have been to me. I use myself and my circumstances as examples because that’s how I most often see the Lord applying these principles. As in everything, we are called to a way of life and given the grace to live in that way; however, that doesn’t mean it is easy or natural. God, in His goodness, has taken our hearts of stone and turned them to hearts of flesh, able to do His will. It is only by His grace that we are able to take up our cross daily and follow Him as spouses, parents, and members of His body.
I am constantly reminded of my failure as a parent and spouse. Thankfully, God is patient and gentle, while remaining firm in His standards. I say all of this to make it clear that, while it is a high standard, believers in Christ are not under condemnation. All the judgment and wrath that we deserve has been poured out on Christ and satisfied in His sacrifice. He has given His Spirit and His word, that we may know how and be able to parent the way He designed and commands.
“5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart And do not lean on your own understanding. 6 In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He will make your paths straight. 7 Do not be wise in your own eyes; Fear the LORD and turn away from evil. 8 It will be healing to your body And refreshment to your bones.”1
In Him and for His Glory
Proverbs 3:5-8, New American Standard Bible 1995
Daniel, what an amazingly insightful and good man you have grown to be. All this you shared with us, is testament to your parents raising you under these same biblical principles. The world needs more true followers of Christ such as your family. Thank you for sharing and God bless each of you!
Great post, Daniel! I 100% relate to the struggles you are facing with your flesh. Regarding your desire for ease, it seems as though many of the "tasks" you determined as "ease's" are quite good and profitable. Reading the BIble, having a quiet time with God, or even studying other forms of literature, these are good desires. However, Ephesians 4:22 mentions the corruption that comes about through DECEITFUL desires, not necessarily evil. The problem that arises with good desires, (such as the ones you have) is when the good desire becomes a sinful demand. I desire to read my Bible (good), I demand that everyone must serve my desire and leave me alone (sin). Sadly, when we begin to demand others to follow our demands we end up sacrificing them on the alter of our idol. We snap and yell, we retreat and forsake responsibility, or we down right refuse to give love and grace and instead, we are harsh and cold. When the thoughts of "don't they know?" Or "why can't they?" Come flooding into our minds, we must ask: what desire is deceiving me and what demands am I making of this person? Am I serving comfort, or Christ?
Really enjoyed reading this post! Stay strong brother!