In an effort to explore the topic of the productive Christian household, I think it wise to start at the foundation: the theology of the Christian household and how its members are bound together. If we don’t understand the basis on which the members of our households relate to one another, we can’t expect our households to be healthy. We’ll take a look this month at the fundamental relationship binding the household members together, at the authority structure for the household, and the responsibilities associated with that authority.
The Fundamental Relationship
Marriage is the foundation for the relationship of the household members to one another. This is plain even in the very first human-to-human relationship, a marriage.
The LORD God fashioned into a woman the rib which He had taken from the man, and brought her to the man. The man said, "This is now bone of my bones, And flesh of my flesh; She shall be called Woman, Because she was taken out of Man." For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.1
The very first man and woman related to each other on the terms of the marriage covenant, instituted by God. And verse twenty-four makes it clear that this is to be the normative experience of all humanity. This covenantal foundation is the foundation on which all household relationships are built.
The above passage also makes it clear that marriage binds the two together. The two shall become one flesh. There is, of course, the physical element of this but it also speaks to the fact that these two separate people are now joined as one entity. This is part of why it is so important to understand that marriage is the foundation. I could have saved my wife (and myself) a lot of difficulty when we were first married if I’d taken seriously this concept of us being one entity. It’s not that we’re each separate entities living in the same space. We’re actually one entity in God’s eyes. That’s why He designed the physical aspect the way He did, to make it clear that we are no longer two separate people, but two people joined together into one entity: the family.
In the New Testament, Jesus is clear about this, as well.
[Some] Pharisees came to Jesus, testing Him and asking, "Is it lawful [for a man] to divorce his wife for any reason at all?" And He answered and said, "Have you not read that He who created [them] from the beginning MADE THEM MALE AND FEMALE, and said, 'FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER AND BE JOINED TO HIS WIFE, AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH'? "So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate."2
The two individuals who marry become one flesh, Jesus says. They are considered as one, which is why it is such a heinous sin to separate them. God designed it this way to reflect the relationship between Jesus and His bride, the Church. The Church is joined to Christ and one with Him before God; this is the message that is preached when a husband and wife remain faithfully committed to each other as long as they live. So what does it say when we flippantly disregard this truth and divorce lightly, or even over issues beyond the clearly described, acceptable (and minimal) circumstances in Scripture? When we do this, we blaspheme God by preaching a false picture of Jesus’s relationship to His bride. This oneness is the foundation on which the household is built and, unless we understand the depth of this truth and begin to live like it, our households will be hindered in their purpose.
The fruit of this union of two people becoming one is children. God made this physical reality to reflect the spiritual reality. When Christ and His church are in unity, the fruit of that unity is people being born again and becoming disciples. God is very clear that godly children are the expected fruit of a godly marriage.
Did he not make them one, with a portion of the Spirit in their union? And what was the one God seeking? Godly offspring. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and let none of you be faithless to the wife of your youth.3
God expects godly children from godly marriages. Jeffrey Meyers, in his book, The Lord’s Service, discusses five aspects of covenants in Scripture.4 The fifth and final aspect is the succession of the covenant or the fruit of the covenant. The same holds true in marriage. Part of the whole purpose of God's instituting marriage was for humanity to be fruitful and multiply on the earth. Our culture's desire to separate the marriage bed, the covenant renewal of marriage, from the fruit of that covenant is a sign of our utter rejection of God's purpose for humanity. It's one more way that we reject the truth that our purpose comes from outside of ourselves (from God, revealed in the Scriptures) and think that we can define our purpose ourselves. It's absolute nonsense, and one of the first steps in establishing a godly, Christian household is to accept that God defines our purpose: who we are, what we are for, and how we should live.
Household Rule
Marriage is the foundation for the life of the family. Next, we may reasonably ask what terms God has instituted for this covenant life of the household. Around the time of the New Testament, it was common for different cultural groups or philosophers to write household codes. These codes would lay out the responsibilities and expectations for each member of the household. The New Testament lays out some similar codes for Christians, explaining how Christians should order their homes, meaning who’s responsible for what and what the expectations should be for each household member. The household codes in the New Testament give us a clear idea of how life should look in a Christian household.
Let’s review the authority structure in the household. God has instituted an authority within the household: the husband and father. We will expound on this more in a minute but, biblically, authority always comes with responsibility. Someone who holds authority is responsible for the people under his authority. Think of the kings of Israel and how they were often held responsible for allowing sin or, of course, leading people into it.
The term for this rule or authority vested in the father is patriarchy.5 Many in conservative circles prefer the term complementarianism. I won’t go into all of the reasons I think that term falls short, but I do want to make one point, since I’ll be using the term in this essay. The feminists want to take away all authority of the husband in the home and, while they might not say it like this, they want him to keep some of the responsibility. Most of the moderates seem to want the responsibility to be split between the man and the woman equally (notice how this treats them as two separate individuals who live in the same space, not as two become one). Some complementarians want to give the man all of the responsibility in the home with none of the authority. This only frustrates everyone because the man knows that he shouldn’t be responsible unless he actually has the authority to change things, and the woman gets tired of a push-over husband and just wants someone besides her to make a firm decision.
I use the word patriarchy because that is the accurate term to describe what the Bible teaches: the rule of a husband and father over his household. Even that word, rule, rubs us moderns the wrong way. I understand that many have been abused, which Scripture teaches is a sin, and that the culture has painted all relationships in terms of power dynamics between individuals. The thinking goes that if someone has authority over someone else, they came by that authority immorally, so it must be wrong for someone to exercise authority over someone else. We need to be careful not to fall into this trap. If we accept that way of understanding relationships, then who can we submit to as a legitimate authority? We must be willing to accept that God calls us to submission in certain areas of our lives, and that means that there will come a time when we don’t want to submit, but we will need to. And we must accept that the authority in certain areas of our lives of the government, of the church elders, and of the family, is legitimate.
Now that that’s out of the way, what does Scripture say about households? It’s too long to quote it all here, but Paul lays out a clear household code for Christians in Ephesians 5:22-6:9. Here are a few verses to summarize the code:
Wives, [be subject] to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself [being] the Savior of the body.6
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless.7
Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.8
Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.9
Slaves, be obedient to those who are your masters according to the flesh, with fear and trembling, in the sincerity of your heart, as to Christ…10
And masters, do the same things to them, and give up threatening, knowing that both their Master and yours is in heaven, and there is no partiality with Him.11
The wife’s role is clarified in Titus, where Paul says, that the, “[o]lder women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips nor enslaved to much wine, teaching what is good, so that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, [to be] sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored.”12
All of this makes it clear that each member of the household has a role and responsibilities. The father is to rule well, loving his wife and children, and avoiding provoking his children but discipling them to live as Christians. The wife is to submit to her husband’s leadership, loving him and her children, and working for the home. The children are to submit to their parents’ leadership and discipline in the home. Slaves (household help or employees, in our context) are to submit to the authority over them as to God. Finally, the husband and father, as the one who hired the employee or help, is to treat them well, always keeping in mind that he, too, has a master in heaven who is impartial. These are the covenantal responsibilities of each member of the household.
While we’re here, I want to address an excess that I’ve seen and had to think through myself when it comes to biblical patriarchy. The logical conclusion of strong father rule in a family might be to say that the father holds that responsibility and authority over every member of the family for as long as he lives. There is a sense in which he does; however, especially after the children are married and, to a degree, once they’re adults, his role becomes advisory. In the circles I run in, I’ve seen some families where a grown son, married with children, still lives in the same house with his parents and siblings, along with his wife and children. His father still has a good amount of authority in his day-to-day life and decisions. This is unbiblical.
Children, when married, need to “leave and cleave,” as the above-quoted passage in Genesis makes clear. The best way to prepare young men and women for this responsibility of leaving and cleaving is to allow them to bear those day-to-day responsibilities leading up to it. We need to keep the distinction in our minds between the ancient Middle-eastern culture surrounding patriarchy, and what the biblical model of patriarchy is. This seems to me to be in the same category as polygamy. While it was allowed for a time in a certain cultural context, as God continued revealing Himself, culminating in the closing of the canon of Scripture, it becomes more and more clear that children are to leave their families and establish their own households. There are still covenantal ties and responsibilities, of course, but their ultimate covenant responsibility is shifted to their own household.
Covenantal Responsibility
As I mentioned earlier, the father has authority and responsibility in the home. These two things must go together. If the father is responsible, then he must also have the authority to affect how things are in the household. This is called his federal headship. As the head of the household, he is responsible for the members of the household. He is responsible to ensure that their needs are provided for, that they are fulfilling their roles according to Scripture, and that the vision for the household is clearly communicated to each member.
The husband’s responsibility for his family is clear in Scripture. The clearest place is found in Numbers. Speaking of a woman who has taken a vow prior to marriage, it says her father is responsible. Then it goes on.
However, if she should marry while under her vows or the rash statement of her lips by which she has bound herself, and her husband hears of it and says nothing to her on the day he hears [it,] then her vows shall stand and her obligations by which she has bound herself shall stand. But if on the day her husband hears [of it,] he forbids her, then he shall annul her vow which she is under and the rash statement of her lips by which she has bound herself; and the LORD will forgive her.13
There are two vitally important principles made clear in this passage. First, the husband is responsible for his wife and children. If they take a vow or take some action, he is ultimately responsible as their covenant head. This means he must be aware of what is going on with his family and take a special interest in ensuring everyone is trained to walk according to the Scriptures. Second, notice that if a husband hears of his wife’s vow and says nothing to her, then her vow stands. It’s not if he hears it and says, yes, I approve. If he simply knows of the vow and says nothing, then it’s as good as his approval. Whatever is going on in my household, whether I’ve given explicit permission or not, by my allowing it to happen, I am giving my permission. By my silence, I’m giving permission.
This is a tough principle to swallow because it requires me to be constantly active in my household to ensure we are all living according to the Scriptures. That is a high calling and a difficult one; it’s one at which I fail regularly. It’s one that fits, though, with the overall picture of the household. God is involved and guarding His people constantly, so why would He not expect fathers, who are to image Him, to be active in their families to guard them against sin that tries to make its way into the family’s life?
Covenantally Bound
We need to see households, not as mere collections of individuals, but as individuals bound together with covenantal bonds. The more we see families this way, the tighter-knit our communities will become. This will happen because, once we realize the way individuals are bound together in a household, we can see the way households are bound together in a church or geographic community. The bonds are similar to one another. This kind of living in a covenant community isn’t easy but it is the calling we’ve been given by God. We are given our identity and purpose by Him and He is the one who decides how we should and should not be bound together. Based on the Scripture quoted above, God sees households this way, so we should, too.
And we must remember that our households are joined to other Christian households through covenant, and we should live like it. We are all a part of the covenant, the New Covenant, established by the blood of Jesus Christ.
Therefore I, the prisoner of the Lord, implore you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing tolerance for one another in love, being diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. [There is] one body and one Spirit, just as also you were called in one hope of your calling; one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all who is over all and through all and in all.14
Meyers, Jeffrey J. The Lord’s Service. Moscow, Idaho: Canon Press, 2003. 43. Kindle.
https://www.wordnik.com/words/patriarchy. You’ll notice that I’m using the first definition listed there, with the second implied, both from the American Heritage Dictionary. The other definitions are from a more modern perspective and, specifically, the sense in which feminists usually mean the term.